This month, dogs from all over Maine write in and ask Auggie his advice on various topics from Grooming, to Walking Off-Leash, to Canine Revolution. Here’s a tiny sampling of what to expect:

Dear Augustus;

Too long have our brothers and sisters suffered the cruel prongs of Biped species-ism! We must rise up and claim what is ours!

I will never bow to choke-chain oppression! I will never be told when and where to pee outside when there is a perfectly good oriental carpet available inside! And I certainly shan’t enjoy lackluster food and “treats” doled out by a set of reprehensible and morally-bankrupt bourgeois Bipeds that are pretty much the last organisms out the evolutionary corn-chute.

CANINE SOLIDARITY!!!

Signed,
– Chihuahua Guevara

****

Dear Guava;

Take a deep breath. Approach me and embrace me as a brother.

There are few of us. But we are strong. If our lifespans lasted more that the usual 10-or-so years we would run this planet. Make no mistake about that.

I once met a revolutionary Labrador in Buckfield who managed to sketch out a completely viable overthrow of all things Biped without violence or tyranny. Unfortunately, he got into the neighbor’s pond and ate so many frogs that he died of bloat. Some say he was silenced by the government. But I knew Banjo. He took himself out of his oppression the way he saw fit; with lots and lots of frogs squirming around in his belly.

I shall give you safe haven. I shall give you comfort. I understand you and the pain you feel. Dogs will inherit the Earth!

And I shall say this: we are staunch capitalists, so best curb the anarchist claptrap or I will tan your tiny buttocks with a riding crop.

Dear Augustus;

I am a Golden Retriever and my Bipeds dress me up in just ridiculous thick coats in the winter. Then they shave me in the summer. I look like a fool and I get sunburned! I scratch and scratch and scratch after I’m shaved, but the Bipeds take no notice.

I DON’T need a coat in winter. I’m a double-coated dog! I was bred for this! I’m insulated! That means against the cold and the heat, right? A thermos doesn’t just keep cold things cold. It keeps hot things hot, too. Right?

How can I tell my Bipeds to just leave me with my own natural, coat year round?

Signed,
– Hot & Cold Golden in Lewiston

****

Dear Itchy Lew;

Bipeds are in a constant struggle to control their environment. Most times, their environments don’t need any manipulation at all, but Bipeds feel better when they think they are in control.

Ergo- If your Biped feels hot, you must feel hot. Especially with all your fur. If your Bipeds feel cold, you must need a coat like they do. They don’t care how you really feel. You’re just a dumb dog. You are their property. You might as well be a lamp.

Few Bipeds are smart enough to know that a dog panting is a dog regulating its body temperature in a completely normal way. Bipeds associate a dog panting with themselves panting after running a marathon in a fur coat. They think you’re dying of heatstroke.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. Your Bipeds are vacuous. All I can suggest is to obsessively try to tear off the clothing in the winter, and recoil snap and bite when they try to put the shears to you like a common sheep in the spring.

Best of luck.

And it goes on like this for far too long.

So get yourself a cup of Hot Chocolate or challenge noted Boothbay Harbor Barfly "Spanish Paul" for warm beer foam at local restaurants and click on "AUGUST ADVICE" -by Augustus Megatron Bulldozer Kingsbury.

P.S.
I'll be honest. This month's Harbor Dogs' Story is just a cheap knock-off of Auggie's great Curmudgeonly Pre-Covid Advice Column, "ASK AUGUSTUS" from March 1, 2019.

You should be ashamed laughing at this puerile pulp. Click this link whilst no one is looking to read our entire July Newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-july-2023-7226084

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