NUMBER FOUR

If you are new to "Dump Culture," DO NOT show up at the dump when it opens at 8am. ESPECIALLY ON A SATURDAY. You will find a long line of irritated, menacing Old Dump Men crushing the gate ahead of you. The Old Dump Men claim province over the dump and defend it against intruders and heretics. Most of The Old Dump Men are only there to "recycle" 30 gallons of highly toxic marine shellac that was banned in 48 states over a hundred years ago and their wives won't let them dump it into their kitchen sink.

Be worried that Old Dump Men have very definite ideas regarding the correct way everyone should throw out their garbage.

Like some Stalinist decree, The Old Dump Men demand one BACKS INTO the Garbage dumpsters to unload between 1 and 2 household bags of garbage.

Unless I have a half ton of fermenting garbage emitting enough hydrogen sulfide to kill a Brontosaurus, I drive my truck straight in, remove the garbage from the bed, AND WALK IT 8ft OVER to the dumpsters. The Old Dump Men call me a heretic; undeserving of The Riches of the Dump. They claim I would be able to throw my garbage out IN RECORD TIME and shorten everyone's visit to the dump significantly if I only BACKED IN to the dumpsters.

I have analyzed The Old Dump Men's "Riches of The Dump Perplexity" from many different aspects and over many years. I admit that backing in makes it easier and quicker to toss the garbage into the dumpsters.

But it's backing into the dumpsters that takes forever. Not only do you have to dodge all the cars that are pulling straight out from the dumpsters with only your rear view mirror, you'll contort your neck painfully checking for over-zealous Old Dump Men slamming into you broadside because they are also driving through their rear-view mirrors and can't see anything.

Try backing up with all that going on into a space directly between two parked cars with all kinds of Old Dump Men lauding themselves on the 15-minute precision back-up job they just performed to throw out a half-bag of garbage. And they didn't do it with those new-fangled back up cameras either. And if the battery in their car dies, it's extremely easy to get a jump compared to the fools who drive straight in.

I think the Old Dump Men back into the dumpster spots because they enjoy fantasies of tossing their garbage into the dumpster lackadaisically and laying rubber whilst speeding away like they were still at the helm of their beloved '66 Oldsmobile 442's.

Either that or they're twitchy and anxious to peel their way out to the Cardboard Recycling Center, where the hot dump action really is.

-- THE END

We are discontinuing WILDERNESS BISCUIT treats and the Blue Buffalo line in general because you will be able to get the brand in just about any supermarket for a much cheaper price since the company was bought out by supermarket distributor General Mills for about $9 billion, the entire countries of Zanzibar, Dar es Salaam, Djibouti, The Ivory Coast, Nepal, Vanuatu, Gary Indiana, and a controlling share of Diego Garcia. The rest of Diego Garcia and Indiana belongs to Disney and Hormel Canned Chili (Chunky, with Beans) Corporation.

For now.

Whilst supplies last, my lovelies.

Wake me up at 3:30. I want to watch "Days of Our Lives." It's the big Priest Wedding episode.

35.7542900711% OFF WILDERNESS BISCUITS!!
Use Coupon Code: 442
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